i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize