My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
