Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
