please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
