My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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