Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
