I got chris browned last night
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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