Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
