I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
