I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
