we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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