I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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