Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
