the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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