Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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