There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
