i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
