I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
