I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize