Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Randomize
