So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize