3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
