we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
