3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you win again, gameday.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
