Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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