i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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