god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
