I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
