we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
