oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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