I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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