Just cropdusted the office
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You were trust falling into bushes
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
