I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
