I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
