Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Randomize
