Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
