this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
God gave him joint rollers for hands
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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