She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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