i don't like sucking hair
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
