I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
