her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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