Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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