I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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