i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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