he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
