8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I deserve this hangover.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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