dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
