you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
