We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
This is classic penis vs brain.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
