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I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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