i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
