strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
