i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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