i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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