a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
