if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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