Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize