Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize