Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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