I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
