someone threw a dead crab at me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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