we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
