I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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