no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
