I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
