If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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