Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
