My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
