is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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