Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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